02 October, 2014

Edward of Caernarfon Created an Event: Party to Celebrate Me Founding Oriel College, Oxford

Finally, years after the first two, here's the third (and last) part of my Edward II Joins Facebook series!
Part one
Part two

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Edward of Caernarfon is in a complicated relationship with Hugh the Younger.  Comment Like Share

Hugh the Elder likes this.

Eleanor Despenser left a comment: Wut???

Edward left a comment: Never mind, El, just a crazy joke, hahaha.  Here, have some goldfinches.

Eleanor Despenser left a comment: okk.

Edward invited Hugh the Younger to try the Rule My Kingdom For Me application.

Edward sent Hugh the Younger an inappropriately huge number of other people's lands using Extravagant Royal Gifts.  Send some to your friends today!

Edward of Caernarfon sent Scotland an Invasion.

Scotland is laughing its head off.

Robert Bruce sent England an Invasion.

Edward of Caernarfon added Bridlington to the Places Where I've Fled From A Scottish Army application.

Dunbar and Berwick-on-Tweed like this.

Robert Bruce created an event at Rievaulx Abbey: Come and grab as many of the English king's abandoned possessions as you like.  Attend this event Yes No Maybe

The Westminster Chronicler asked a question: Is Edward of Caernarfon a) chicken-hearted, b) lily-livered, or c) both?

Hugh the Younger joined the group Dude, Where's My Earldom?  Join this Group

Stephen Segrave updated his Work Info to Constable of the Tower of London.

Hugh the Younger thinks the queen has waaaaaay too many lands and doesn't need them.

Isabella of France created the page I AM QUEEN, GODDAMMIT.  Like this Page

Isabella of France thinks that barons and chamberlains really should know their place.  Like Comment

Hugh the Younger edited his Interests to include Becoming ever more stinkingly rich and Sidelining the queen as much as poss.

Stephen Segrave is drunk!  And having lots of fun!  Wodge, I love you, man!  Hey, Wodge, where you going?  No no, go back to your cell, not over that wall.  Oh crap, what the hell is in this wine?  Wooooooodge!!!!!  Like Comment

Roger Mortimer created the group People Who've Escaped from the Tower of London.  Join this Group

Lady Segrave sent a Hope You Recover From Your Poisoned Wine Soon card to her husband.

Roger Mortimer sent a Yah Boo Sucks To You greeting to Edward of Caernarfon.

Edward of Caernarfon thinks he really mustn't panic over Mortimer escaping from the Tower.  It's totally fine and cool, no problem.  Not panicking at all here.  Nope.  Like  Comment 

Roger Mortimer can't get over how incredibly cool and clever he is for escaping.  Like  Comment

Roger Mortimer hopes Isabella of France has noticed how incredibly cool and clever he is.  Like  Comment

Roger Mortimer added Flanders, Picardy, Hainault, Bohemia, France and Germany to the Places He's Searched For Allies Against Edward Of Caernarfon application.

Roger Mortimer invited Charles IV King of France, Charles de Valois and 231 other friends to become fans of Roger Mortimer.  Become a fan of Roger

Roger Mortimer joined the group Unequivocally heterosexual men who love doing it with French girls.  Join this Group

Edward of Caernarfon really, really, really wants to know where Roger Mortimer is.  Still not panicking, though.  Nooooo, not at all.

Hugh the Younger recommends an article on Economist.com, How to take over your sister-in-law's Welsh lands for fun and profit.

Charles IV King of France created the page Gascony should be part of my realm, not my silly brother-in-law's.

French soldiers posted a new album: Building a new fortification at Saint-Sardos in the middle of the English king's lands in Gascony.

Charles IV King of France sent Edward of Caernarfon a declaration of war.

Edward of Caernarfon has realised he can't even find Saint-Sardos on a map.  So how the heck can I be at war over the wretched place?

Edmund of Kent updated his Work Info to Lieutenant of Gascony.

Charles de Valois added Agenais to the Places I've Conquered application.

Edmund of Kent added Agenais to the Places Where I've Been Humiliatingly Forced To Submit To My Uncle application.

Hugh the Younger left a comment: So much fail, Edmundo-baby.  Wanna come back to England and tell me why you screwed up so much?

Charles IV King of France updated his relationship status to Married to Jeanne d'Evreux.

Charles IV is hoping this one gives me a son.  Third time lucky, eh?

Philip de Valois left no comment.

Edward of Caernarfon added Cornwall and Oxfordshire to the Places I've Confiscated From The Queen For No Reason Whatsoever application.

Hugh the Younger likes this.

Charles IV invited Edward of Caernarfon to attend the event The king of England kneeling to me and paying homage the way a proper vassal should.  Attend this event Yes No Maybe

Edward of Caernarfon answered maybe.

Pope John XXII added an Answer: Perhaps the queen could travel to France to to negotiate a peace settlement before the king travels there himself?

Edward of Caernarfon likes this.

Isabella of France is now...in France!  Yippee!  So great to be back and treated like a proper royal again.  I could get used to this.  Ohhhh yes.

Isabella of France posted a new album: Having a girly night out in Pontoise with my sis-in-law Clemence.

Charles IV ordered Edward of Caernarfon to attend the event The king of England kneeling to me and paying homage the way a proper vassal should.  Attend this event Yes 

Edward of Caernarfon added Dover to the Places I've Hovered And Prevaricated In While Having Absolutely No Clue What To Do Next application.

Hugh the Younger begs leave to remind Edward that he will probably be killed if Edward leaves for France.

Edward of Windsor updated his Work Info to Duke of Aquitaine and Count of Ponthieu.

Edward of Windsor added Vincennes to the Places I've Paid Homage In application.

Edward of Caernarfon is worried that sending his son to France was totally the wrong thing to do.  But what else could I have done, under the circumstances?  Crap, crap, crap.

Edward of Windsor posted a new album: Me paying homage to Uncle Chas for my French lands.  Which are totally mine now and not my dad's, which is waaaay cool.

William Montacute likes this.

Edward of Windsor left a comment: Doesn't Uncle Chas look like a total div in that red cotehardie, though?

Isabella of France is now friends with Roger Mortimer.  Add Friend

Isabella of France became a fan of Roger Mortimer.  Become a fan of Roger

Roger Mortimer sent Isabella of France the Healing Power of a Damn Good Shag by Someone who's Amazingly Unequivocally Heterosexual and Totally Manly and Virile and Stuff.

Isabella of France created the event Finding Empowerment and Fulfilment by Shagging a Married Man.  Attend this event Yes No Maybe

Katherine Swynford and Mary Boleyn are attending this event.

Joan Mortimer thinks men are bastards.  Like Comment

Joan Mortimer joined the group My husband is a cheating toerag.  Join this Group

Isabella of France and Roger Mortimer created the page Straight Adultery Good, Gay Adultery Bad. Like this Page

Edward of Caernarfon sent Edward of Windsor a reminder that he is the king's son and heir and belongs at the king's side.

Isabella of France sent Edward of Windsor a reminder that he is the queen's son and heir and belongs at the queen's side.

Edward of Windsor: Mum...or Dad?  Dad...or Mum?  I should go back to Dad...but Mum needs me too.  This is like just soooo totally unfair.  I'm thirteen, how can I choose between my parents?  Why are they pulling this crap on me?  Not cool, guys, NOT COOL.

Isabella of France asked a question: Should I return to my husband or not?  Yes No Maybe Add an Answer

Roger Mortimer voted no.

Isabella of France joined the group Does my bum look big in my spiffy widow's garments?

Jeanne d'Evreux is holding a coronation, and Edward of Windsor needs someone to carry his train!

Roger Mortimer likes this.

Roger Belers is looking forward to a yummy meal with Henry of Lancaster.  Who are all these people waiting for me in the road?  Oh, it's the Folvilles!  'Sup, dudes?  Hey, is that a knife?

Roger Belers' account has been closed.

The Folvilles think they need to get out of England right now.

Edward of Caernarfon is in a complicated relationship with Eleanor Despenser.

Hugh the Younger left a comment: Wut???

Edward of Caernarfon left a comment: Just a little joke, beloved, hahahaha!  Nothing at all really.  Here, have some horses.

Edward of Caernarfon created an event: Party to Help Me Celebrate Founding Oriel College, Oxford, Go Me!!!!  Attend this event Yes No Maybe

700 years of scholars and students are attending.

Edward of Caernarfon posted a new photo album: My summer sailing up and down the Thames chatting to fishermen.  Some of them sing for me!  It's awesome!

Henry of Lancaster left a comment: Shouldn't you be, like, ruling the country or something, cuz?

Henry of Lancaster created the group, Dude, Where Are All My Earldoms?

Edward of Caernarfon left a comment: Look, Henners, Kenilworth and Pontefract are mine now, OK?  Just let it go.

Isabella of France and Roger Mortimer sent Edward of Caernarfon an Armed Invasion.

Edward left a comment: hahaha, I'm not at all scared cos all my faithful allies will rally to my aid...ohhh, bollocks.

Edward is trying to evade an Armed Invasion and needs some friends to lend a hand!  Edward needs help in a good ol' fashioned military campaign to help him save his kingdom!  He still needs the help of 10 more friend(s)! - via KingdomVille · Comment  Like  Click here to help

Eleanor Despenser added the Tower of London to the Places I've Been Left In Charge Of application.

Edward wrote a post in the groups Let's see how many people on FB are from WALES! and Welsh Men do it Better: Hey all, I'll be fleeing to South Wales next week.  Anyone got any, like, weapons or men-at-arms or that kind of stuff going spare?  Been asking everyone on my friends list but it seems they've all suddenly gone on holiday and forgotten to take their iPhones with them.

Isabella of France and Roger Mortimer have made dogmeat of Hugh the Elder.  Literally.

Isabella of France and Roger Mortimer created the page We're going to prove how much fairer and less tyrannical we are than Edward and the Despensers by cutting off men's heads without a trial, forcibly veiling little girls just because we hate their father and stealing the money of the chief justice of the King's Bench.  Like this page

Edward of Caernarfon and Hugh the Younger added Caerphilly to the Castles We've Sought Refuge In Then Inexplicably Left application.

The accounts of Hugh the Younger, the Earl of Arundel, Simon of Reading, Robert de Micheldever and John Daniel have been closed.

Roger Mortimer, Adam Orleton and John Stratford created the event: Sending a delegation to Kenilworth to force the king to give up his throne.  Attend this event Yes No Maybe

Edward of Caernarfon got the error message: Oops! Something went wrong. We're working on getting this fixed as soon as we can. You may be able to try being king of England again later.

Edward of Windsor updated his Work Info to King Edward III of England.

Roger Mortimer and Isabella of France updated their Work Info to Real Rulers of England.

Isabella of France created the page Does the fabulously large dower I've just awarded myself make me look fat?  Like this Page

Edward of Windsor invited Roger Mortimer, Henry of Lancaster and 847 others to attend his Coronation at Westminster Abbey.  Attend this event Yes No Maybe

Edward of Caernarfon added Berkeley Castle to the Places I've Been Imprisoned In application.

Stephen and Thomas Dunheved sent Armed Attacks to Berkeley Castle.

Rhys ap Gruffydd and Donald of Mar like this.

Edward of Caernarfon: I'm freeeeeeee again, oh joy!  Oh no, wait, I'm not.  Sigh.

Rhys ap Gruffydd added Scotland to the Places I've Fled To application.

Roger Mortimer added Thomas Berkeley, John Maltravers, William Ockley and Thomas Gurney to the secret group Let's Solve the Problem of Edward of Caernarfon.

Roger Mortimer wrote a post: Now remember what we talked about via PM, guys.  It's important that we do this right.  And keep schtum, for heaven's sake.

Edward III, Isabella of France, Roger Mortimer and the entire English nobility and episcopate added St Peter's Abbey, Gloucester to the Places We've Attended A King's Funeral application.

Edmund of Kent posted a new album: My half-bro's funeral.  So sad, man.  So sad.  Hang on a sec though, did anyone actually see the body?  Anyone?  Anyone??

Roger Mortimer left a comment: Hmmm yes, very sad.  My new black tunic looked spiffy though, don't you think?  And I definitely saw the dead body, and he was completely dead, oh yes, as dead as you can get.  But he was totally not murdered in any way.

Edward III is now friends with Philippa of Hainault.

Philippa of Hainault updated her Work Info to Queen of England.

Count William III of Hainault likes this.

Isabella of France updated her Work Info to Dowager But Real Queen of England, the one with all the lands and income and power, and don't you forget it, my girl.

Roger Mortimer likes this.

Philip de Valois updated his Work Info to King of France.

Edward III left a comment: Are you freaking kidding me?  How come YOU get it and not me?

Philip VI King of France left a comment: Bwhahahaha, bad luck, cuz!

Jeanne of Navarre left a comment: Are you both freaking kidding me?  France should be mine!

Philip VI left a comment: here, girl, here's Navarre to keep you quiet.

Edward III created the group 1,000,000 Strong Against Roger Mortimer.

Henry of Lancaster and William Montacute joined this group.

Isabella of France left a comment: Young man, you are SO grounded.

Edward III left a comment: Um, helloooo?  Who's king here?  I can do what I like.

Isabella: Oh really?  I am queen, you ungrateful little sod.  After all Uncle Rog and I have done for you!

Isabella of France thinks that this 20,000 pounds from Robert Bruce is going to buy an awful lot of shoes, gowns and jewels.  Yay, shopping!

Edward III left a comment: Errr, Mum, you do know that money's for my treasury, don't you?  Bruce didn't give it to you personally.  And the 80,000 pounds my dad left - you haven't let Mortimer spend it on re-building Ludlow Castle and holding jousting tournaments, have you?  Muuuuuuum!

Isabella of France sent Roger Mortimer an earldom of March using Extravagant Royal Favourite Gifts.  Send one to your royal favourite today!

Henry of Lancaster and the rest of the English nobility left a comment: Are you freaking KIDDING us?

Henry of Lancaster sent an Armed Rebellion to Isabella of France and Roger Mortimer.

Roger Mortimer sent Total Devastation to Leicestershire.

Isabella of France posted a new album: Uncle Henry kneeling in the mud and pretending he actually enjoys submitting to me and Le Manly Wodge.  Hehehehe.

Roger Mortimer created the group How to get lots of girls to fancy you by being amazingly unbelievably rich and powerful and heterosexual.

Isabella of France and Roger Mortimer have accepted an invitation to a double wedding in Ludlow.

Isabella of France left a comment: Which of your daughters is it this time, Rog?

Roger Mortimer replied:  Not sure, tbh.  Possibly Catherine and Agnes?  Or Beatrice and, ummmm, what's the second youngest one called again?

Philippa of Hainault created a new event: My coronation as queen of England.  Finally!  I am nearly six months pregnant with the heir to the kingdom, ya know.  Late, much?  Bloody Isabella.

Henry of Lancaster joined the campaign Make Facebook Available in Braille.

Edmund of Kent created the group We believe Edward of Caernarfon is still alive and we're going to do something about it.

Archbishop of York, Donald of Mar, Bishop of London, Mayor of London, Lord Beaumont, Rhys ap Gruffydd and 187 others joined the group We believe Edward of Caernarfon is still alive and we're going to do something about it.

Roger Mortimer left a comment: Hahahahaha, as if! You're stoooopid, Edmund, and just to prove that Edward is actually dead I'm going to have you beheaded, using a law no-one's ever heard of that makes you guilty of treason for trying to free a dead man from non-existent captivity.

Edmund left a comment: He's at Corfe Castle, I know it, you know it, the whole bloody country knows it.  Your rubbish regime is so over, Mortimer.

Edmund of Kent added Temporary Scaffold in Winchester to the Places He's Hung Around All Day application.

The executioner in Winchester thinks he'd better leg it, sharpish.

A latrine-cleaner of Winchester updated his Work Info under duress to Executioner of Royal Earls.

Edmund of Kent updated his Work Info to Victim of Judicial Murder.

Roger Mortimer thinks that having people beheaded and taking their lands is awesome.

Geoffrey Mortimer left a comment: You're the king of fools, Dad.  Like, seriously.

Edward III: We have a baby boy!!!!!  He rocks!  Hmmm, what do you think me and Philippa should call him?  I'm thinking Edward has a nice ring to it.  Edward of Woodstock, ohhhh yes.

The people of Limoges left a comment: WHERE'S THE DISLIKE BUTTON???!!!

Philippa of Hainault added 91 photos to the album Edward of Woodstock is the cuuuuuutest baby ever.

Edward III likes this.

William Montacute, William Clinton, Robert Ufford and nineteen other friends joined the secret group Roger Mortimer Is Soooo Finished.

William Montacute wrote a post: This tunnel under Nottingham Castle could be damned useful.  Meet you there in a couple of hours, lads!

Roger Mortimer wrote a post on Isabella's Wall: We're lucky our chambers at Nottingham Castle are so secure, while we plot how to continue to rule the country and sideline your son.  Wait, did you hear something?

Henry Bishop of Lincoln added A Latrine Shaft to the Places He's Hurriedly Thrown Himself Down application.

Sir Hugh Turplington's account has been closed.

Henry of Lancaster is throwing his hat in the air with joy.

Roger Mortimer added A Dark Cell At The Tower and Tyburn Gallows to the Places He's Been application.

Roger Mortimer's account has been closed.

Isabella of France is hysterical.

Edward III has discovered he's bankrupt.  Dammit, I KNEW my mum was spending all that dosh!

Edward III sent William Montacute a PM: Will, we have GOT to find out where my dad is. Can't have him wandering around Europe.  Anyone could find him and threaten me with his restoration.  Damn it, FIND him.  Don't harm him but find him!!!!

Edward of Caernarfon is sitting in an Italian monastery on a hill, sipping wine and admiring the view. Ah, this is the life.  Should have retired here years ago.

Edward of Caernaforn thinks he's had the last laugh.

19 comments:

Sami Parkkonen said...

This is, like, awsome, like, so totally :-D

PS. You missed one: Robert the Bruce added a comment: Spital is not cool.

Kathryn Warner said...

Ooops, my bad! :)

Sami Parkkonen said...

:-DD

Anonymous said...

Great post (although I am unsure that Isabella and Roger were lovers)

Esther

Kathryn Warner said...

I'm fairly sure they weren't, but 'Roger sent Isabella the healing power of a useful political alliance' wasn't as funny. :-)

Kathryn Warner said...

I'm fairly sure they weren't, but 'Roger sent Isabella the healing power of a useful political alliance' wasn't as funny. :-)

Anerje said...

Great post - and I love the ending:) Surely Facebook is banned in the monastery, so Edward won't be posting now:)

Denise said...

Fantastic post! Brilliant!

Anonymous said...

"Isabella of France and Roger Mortimer have made dogmeat of Hugh the Elder. Literally."

Oooh, harsh!

This whole series is so hilarious. And the ending is perfect!

--CeeJay

Kathryn Warner said...

Thanks, everyone! :) I had some problems to write a funny post as the end of Edward's reign is so sad, hence the long delay, but I managed to give him a happy ending. :)

Gabriele C. said...

Gabriele likes this. :-)

Kathryn Warner said...

:-)

Anonymous said...

A sense of humour is always necessary in history research - good on you! I only missed being able to "like" comment to responses! :D

fitzg

who can't remember her other g/fb etc names...

Edward II said...

"Anonymous said...

(Although I am unsure that Isabella and Roger were lovers)

This answer the king deems altogether insufficient and derisory.

Kathryn Warner said...

Edward II left a comment? Hey, no-one talks for Edward around here except me!

Hugh Despenser the younger said...

" Hey, no-one talks for Edward around here except me!"
.
How dare you! No-one talks for Edward around here except ME!

Kathryn Warner said...

Bye bye!

Hugh Despenser the younger said...

Sad(
Sorry for the anachronistic invasion.

Sami Parkkonen said...

I found one!

Edward III comments: Silence is golden